Attitude: Dad Update 2/27/2014

"The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude."

I absolutely love that I found that quote today- Attitude. Dad's attitude this week has been amazing! He has taken his chemo treatment day by day and is staying so incredibly positive! We increased his anti-nausea medication and it seems to really be helping, although he still claims he is sleeping too much during the day (But I'll take tired over sick ANY day). Just a couple more days left in this chemo treatment and I continue to pray the medicine is working and Dad continues to feel well. 

Our next MRI results will come towards the end of March, which brings up so much anxiety and fear. It all takes me back to hearing the results of the first MRI, and feeling almost blind sided that the seizure was the result of a tumor, a tumor they were fairly certain was cancer. I can't describe my emotions that day, or even attempt to explain how I felt hearing those words "cancer". I was sad, angry, confused...I felt every emotion. Hearing what type of cancer they thought the tumor was, and the life expectancy, brought on even more of those emotions. But as one GBM survivor stated, "God will have the final say in how long each one of us lives, and He does not wear a white coat or a green mask." Touche my friend, Touche. 

There have been a lot of factors to my attitude during this experience, and I am a true believer that we each have a choice with every situation- It can either bring out the best in you or get the best of you. I have decided this situation will bring out the best in me. 

We each have our weak moments- moments of doubt, anxiety and fear- but these moments help to remind me of my support system, a support system filled with amazing friends and family. We've currently raised $2,270 towards Brain Cancer research through 'Run For The Rose' and 23 people have signed up to be part of our team- BTHO Brain Cancer: Lar's Fight. It truly amazes me seeing the different people who are signing up to run and those making a donation. I'm trying my best to thank each and every person who signs up and those who make a donation, as you have no idea how much it means to me! We've received a couple of 'Anonymous' donations, and I hate that I can't personally thank those people- but I hope they know how much it means to me, and my family. Our team continues to grow daily, along with our donations,and I'm so thrilled to be part of such an amazing foundation- Dr. Marnie Rose Foundation! We would love for each of you to join in with us that day, as we help to raise funds to BTHO Brain Cancer! 
http://runfortherose.racepartner.com/Run-for-the-rose/bthobraincancer

Each day is another day forward in Dad's treatment, and another day forward into our new "normal". We all stand in faith and determined that Dad will be the exception to all the rules for Glioblastoma, because these "rules" don't mean much to me, as I'll never stop believing in hope because miracles happen everyday. 

Another Round Of Chemo- Dad Update 2/23/2014

Tomorrow marks another 5-day round of chemotherapy for Dad. I can tell he is anxious and dreading this day, as the last round of chemotherapy wasn't too kind on his body. But thankfully we are going into this round with his blood counts looking good and his energy level better than it's been since the surgery (he's actually doing yard work as I write this post!). I try to remind him (and myself) that this chemo wasn't around for GBM (glioblastoma multiforme) years ago, years ago this type of tumor was an extremely unknown type, and years ago there wasn't much hope for people diagnosed with this cancer- thankfully we have hope. 

I ask for prayers this week, prayers that Dad's body continues to react well to the chemotherapy and suppress any cancer growth and prayers for continued strength and positive attitude for Dad- especially during these next difficult 5 days. 

I recently read a quote from a mom of a cancer survivor and she said "Some days I had to tell myself, 'Get through the next 5 minute.' And I did. I made it through months of my daughter's cancer treatment, 5 minutes at a time." That's exactly how I feel some days- making it through it all 5 minutes at a time. It brings me back to the first couple of weeks post surgery for Dad- really post 3 surgeries (surgery to remove tumor, surgery due to a brain bleed, and surgery for a blood clot)- where I slept on the couch every night to be closer to Mom and Dad in case I was needed (not exactly sure how I could have helped if Dad would have had another seizure or some other complication, but I felt like I helped by sleeping there). Those nights, those nights I didn't sleep much, but I listened, listened to Dad sleep and would go in their room to make sure both of them were resting. I made it through those weeks- probably the most difficult time of my life- 5 minutes at a time, and sometimes just 1 minute at a time. 

I hate what cancer does to someone's body and I hate the fear and anxiety it brings to the cancer patient and to the family- but what I love is the support, friendship, family and love it brings out of people. I don't wish cancer on anyway, and if I could take it out of my life I would do about anything- but since I'm on this path that God has so perfectly created for me and my family, then I'm going to take the good with the bad and smile throughout it all.

Last week I found a foundation which supports brain cancer research- which is clearly something that is close to my heart- and I am again shown how amazing God's plan is in this world, how he amazingly puts people in your life for a reason. Shortly after I created a team for Dad, I received an email from the Executive Director of the 'Dr. Marnie Rose Foundation' asking for more information about Dad- where he was being treated and if he would like to be included in their 'Hero Tribute Wall' at the race. I looked at the list of teams- there are about 115 teams for the race, and I couldn't believe the executive director read every teams bio. When she asked if I wanted my dad's information included I obviously said yes! I am so proud of Dad, so proud of his story and so proud to be part of his experience and his journey. She also mentioned this information would be included on their website for others to visit- which I absolutely love, as when Dad was diagnosed I was looking for a place to find similar stories, similar people fighting this battle. I included Dad's story and a link to my blog. She responded in asking if we were Aggies (I guess the "BTHO" title of my blog gave it away), as she was from a family of Aggies. She also related to my blog, as Marnie Rose was a dear friend of hers, and googling GBM was terrifying then as well. It's good to know this fear of mine wasn't just mine, but something others experience too! I thanked her for reading my blog, as I'm still in shock when I see the number of people who view my blog, and thanked her for including Dad in the Hero Tribute Wall- as Dad is my personal hero. It brought a face to the foundation, a foundation I see myself being part of for a long time- as I would love to see the donations and awareness help to bring a cure to this disease.

This next week will be difficult- filled with ups and downs, good and bad moments- but I have faith that 5 minutes at a time we will make it through this week, and the next week and the next. I started Dad's team for the 'Run For The Rose' less than a week ago. I've had countless friends verbally commit to running on our team and 11 who have already signed up, with $775 currently raised. I'm blown away and feel so grateful for these friends and family members who are helping to support brain cancer research and Dad.

So with 5 minutes at a time we will make it through this next week and with 5 minutes at a time we will find strength to make it through it all. 

Run For The Rose: Help To Eradicate Brain Cancer

God truly gives you what you need EXACTLY when you need it. I've been struggling lately- feeling like I haven't been doing enough to help with cancer awareness and research, research that will one day cure this horrible disease. I happened across a 5k in support of brain cancer research: 'Run For The Rose'. As I started reading more about the story behind the name of the race, I realized I had much more in common with this race than I even realized. The race was founded in 2002, in memory of Dr. Rose- a 28 year old pediatric resident who passed away from Glioblastoma, the same type of brain cancer my Dad fights daily. The mission of the foundation is simple: "To eradicate brain cancer." 

I absolutely hate cancer. But I refuse to allow this horrible disease to do anything to my life except make it better. Each day I realize more and more that we can't control what happens in our lives, but we can control how we react to what happens. I've decided I want to help DO something about this horrible disease, a disease which has greatly impacted my life. I've created a team in 'Run For The Rose'. I hope with continued research, brain cancer and all other types of cancer will no longer be a term which terrifies those diagnosed, and will no longer be a term which can end someone's life too soon. So please join my team and run that day or help support cancer research with a donation. 

So join me in this fight, a fight that spreads far beyond just my Dad, but to the others who are also fighting cancer, and those who have lost this fight. Let's work towards finding a cure that will BTHO cancer!

http://runfortherose.racepartner.com/Run-for-the-rose/bthobraincancer

My Thank You Note

This is my thank you note. A note to thank those of you who have done so much, even when you have felt like it wasn't enough. This note is to make sure every person knows how much we have appreciated your love and support over the last 4 months- love and support that we needed more than we would ever know. 

I have an amazing support system of friends and family- people who have been there through it all, the good and the bad. People who have gone above and beyond their call of duty as a friend to be there for me, and to be there for my Dad- and for that I am so blessed. I have friends who pray and love my Dad not because they know him, but because they know me- friends who love my Dad for one reason and one reason only, they love me. We wouldn't make it without this support system. I wouldn't be as strong as I am, although at times I feel extremely weak, and I wouldn't be as secure in my faith without my support system. God has truly blessed me. 

From phone calls, text messages, Facebook message, emails, preparing dinner, taking Dad to treatment...the list goes on and on, we wouldn't be where we are today without amazing people in our lives, our amazing support system. Please don't think that you haven't done enough- because "just praying" is MORE than enough for us, more than we could ever want or need from friends and family. 

A friend of mine called me Friday afternoon, and by using the term "friend" I would be down playing our relationship, as this girl is more like family, more like a sister, and her phone call just touched me. She's been to family weddings in Brenham, Texas and she was the one who happened to call the day we found out about the tumor- she listened as I cried, she listened as I hurt and questioned God constantly for our new path, she has always listened. She has no idea the love I have for our friendship- a friendship that has moved past randomly meeting in college, to standing by her side at her wedding and proving to me that she is a rare person- a person who goes above and beyond for those that she loves. I'm so blessed. I'm so blessed with countless people like her in my life. People who call, and when I don't answer, understand that I'm just not wanting to talk that day, or people who text me a picture of their bracelet to let me know they are thinking of my Dad- these people have made my world a better place. This friend didn't know that I really needed to talk that day- I'm pretty sure I didn't really know that I needed to talk that day- but she called, she called just to say hi as she was driving to visit her parents, and it was that call, that talk that I needed to have more than ever that day. 

Some days I cry, other days I laugh, and sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions- but each day, each moment, I'm reminded that life is short and days where I get to watch tv, sit on the couch and talk to Dad about his day, remind me that these "little" moments have become BIG moments for me. So thank you, I thank each and every person who reads my blog and listens to me go on and on, each person who prays for Dad, each person who calls or texts, each person who has provided a meal or sent a card, and each person who has been there for us when we have needed it the most. I am blessed, I am blessed beyond what words can write, and everyday I'm constantly blown away by people and their kindness. 

Thank you. Thank you for being the support system that I've needed more than ever in my life, and thank you for loving me, my family and my Dad more than I could ever wish for. 

Faith: Dad Update 2/12/2014

4 months. Looking back, it's amazing how much my life has changed in the last 4 months. I've moved back to Brenham, started a new job, and struggled each and every day with Dad's diagnosis. For some people, it takes years for them to change, years for them to figure out the true meaning of life, and years for them to realize that every day is a gift. But for me, for me it only took 4 short months- actually, for me it only took about 4 short minutes of seeing my Dad on a stretcher, EMS by his side, and blood on the floor. Those 4 minutes changed my life, changed the person I am today, and helped me realize that life is way too short. 

The last 4 months have been filled with struggles. I would be lying if I told you that every day was perfect for me or my family. Each day is a struggle. We each have this unbelievable faith, faith that there is a reason much greater than we can even begin to understand why our family is going through this fight. But each day our faith is tested by our fear of the unknown, our fear of the future. But faith tells me that no matter what lies ahead of me, God is already there. It's so comforting to know that no matter what happens in my life, no matter what path I'm forced down, or what struggles are ahead- I have amazing family, friends, and FAITH to help me get through it all. 

I think "Faith" is MY new word. Faith. It's something I've struggled with my entire life, and something I continue to struggle with daily. I think every Christian would agree that having faith in this higher power much greater than any power here on Earth can be difficult, especially in difficult situations. But man, how wonderful is faith in times of need- in times when you feel the most alone, to know you are never truly alone. 

How many people can say their lives have changed so drastically in 4 months, much less 4 minutes? Is this struggle and difficult time something I wanted or something I planned in my life? Absolutely not. But how wonderful that God picked MY family to go through this struggle- MY family to grow closer to one another and to him. We are blessed.

Dad is finally feeling better after his last round of chemo, and I truly love coming home to him and hearing about his day. His next round of chemo is coming up more quickly than I would like, although I continue to pray the chemo is working to suppress any cancer growth, and I pray this next round is kinder to his body. I have been working with the speech therapist to have Dad working more with the iPad for his speech therapy, and he seems to really enjoy it! His speech is getting there- slowly but surely! 

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. Dad's diagnosis and fight has already given me an extraordinary destiny. From the outside looking in, the outcome may not look 'extraordinary', but from the inside looking out I'm so thankful of the person I've already become because of his fight. I've come to realize that none of us can do anything about the length of our lives, but we can do something about it's width and depth. 

Update 2/2/2014: The Fight Is Far From Over

I feel like every day since Dad's diagnosis I've been blown away by the kindness of people. Dad's fight is far from over, as if you were to research his type of brain cancer (Glioblastoma Multiforme), the statistics and description would shock and terrify you. Glioblastoma: The Most Aggressive Type of Brain Tumor. It's a description that I think about daily. It's a description that I wish would go away. But, as much as this description terrifies me, as much as the statistics give me anxiety about the future, it's been people who have helped to keep me level during this experience.

Dad's news of remission traveled fast- as I couldn't type a status quick enough on Facebook to let everyone know our results, and I sure couldn't type fast enough to send out a mass text message to almost every person in my phone. I've been stopped so many times by people to congratulate Dad on his news and I've been stopped so many times by people who just want me to tell Dad they asked about him. To know my Dad has had this impact on people, so much of an impact that people go out of their way to ask about him or talk to me about him, means the world to me. Not everyone in my family handles this situation the same- as I am extremely open about our struggles, our fight and our triumphs. Being this open means my friends and family have seen me at my best and have seen me at my worst. Every day is a struggle. Every day I wake up hoping Dad had a good night and every day I continue to pray for Dad to continue fighting and strength for Mom. 

A former teacher of mine was at a wedding shower recently and was asking what I was doing, where I was living, etc. This teacher had a huge impact on my life- as she was someone I always looked up to, and someone I greatly respected. I was talking with her and mentioned something about my Dad- she had no idea. But her response was perfect, she didn't apologize for Dad's diagnosis, she didn't give me a hug and give me pity, she looked at me and said, "I feel terrible. I feel terrible because I have not been praying for your Dad." I just smiled and said, "You can start today."

The road ahead is long. The road ahead is filled with highs and lows, good and bad days, and a lot of unknown. There is no "good" type of cancer, but there are days where I struggle with understanding why this type was given to my Dad. A type of cancer which is as bad as this type is. Brain cancer is not genetic. Brain cancer just "happens" (or so I've read). I've been struggling lately with trying to understand the why. This struggle comes with me trying to understand why I question these "bad" moments, yet just embrace the "good" moments? It's really these "bad" moments, which have turned into good moments, good moments of things happening in God's perfect timing. 

God's timing is perfect. He perfectly orchestrated Dad's diagnosis. Some people don't know this, but on October 4, 2013 I accepted a position at Texas A&M System Internal Audit department and gave my current employer my 2 weeks notice. I had been living in Austin, Texas and not enjoying my time there- and I knew it was time for me to look for a new job and a new location. A girl at Texas A&M took a chance on a random email and gave my resume to the director- to this day I will forever be thankful for God's hand in this process. Dad and I enjoyed a drink Friday night to celebrate my new job and discussed me moving back home until my lease was up in Austin (which was January 2014). The plans for me to return home had already been made, and my plans to live at home were already decided. On October 5, 2013, Dad had a seizure in our kitchen, which was caused by the brain tumor. God's plan is far greater than I can imagine, far greater than I can even try to understand, and far greater than I need to understand. All I know is his timing is perfect. He has placed people in my life (including an amazing co-worker who took a chance) that have truly changed my life.

Dad's fight continues. Dad struggles daily with speech and getting back to his "old self". I was so proud that he was able to mow the yard on Saturday- something he hasn't done since before October. He is slowly getting there, and I continue to pray the scan in 8 weeks will show continued improvement.  

My daily devotional is nothing short of amazing. It always feels like it was written just for me on that day. "You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights...you tell me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow...If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My Presence. Walk by faith, not by sight..."

Struggling daily to walk by faith and not by sight. There are moments I fail, although I continue to find the blessings in this experience and continue to be thankful for every day I get to spend with my Dad.