Dad Update. 4/29/2015

With another round of chemo complete, I try to look back and count the number of rounds Dad has been on, but I've lost count. I've also tried to look back at the number of MRI's, although I've also lost count of those too. 

Dad's last round of chemo was a little tough, but we've somehow managed to get better each round at treating the side effects of the drugs. We know it could all be much worse, as I remember my Granny fighting through cancer, and I remember how difficult each round of chemo was on her body. I may have been young, but there are some things you never really forget. I thank Mom for not hiding her cancer from me as a child, for sharing with us the good and bad days with her cancer battle, and for teaching me how to take care of someone who is diagnosed with cancer. Granny's fight prepared me to be a caregiver for Dad. To be there for the doctor's appointments and difficult days, it prepared me to face the battle with courage and strength, knowing that there was a much greater hand in it all. 

So what's next for us? Dad's next MRI is approaching and from there we will determine our next steps. If the MRI appears stable, we will plan to continue the chemotherapy and schedule another MRI in about 6 weeks. That would be the absolute best case scenario. If the MRI appears to indicate growth, then we look at plan B. We will determine if the growth is operable, and if so, if Dad wants to take that approach, and/or we will be visiting our doctor in Houston for our next options. I am all so aware of the statistics of regrowth, and I continue to pray the chemotherapy is working for Dad and suppressing any growth. 

We take it all one day at a time, look around and realize we are truly blessed throughout this experience. We are quickly approaching our 19th month mark in Dad's diagnosis, and it's unreal to me that we've been battling the cancer this long- as it all feels like just yesterday Dad had a seizure. 

I joke that, unfortunately, no one hands you a "how to" book when you receive a cancer diagnosis. No one tells you how to react to the diagnosis, no one tells you how best to handle the treatment or the side effects, and no one tells you how to handle the stress and sadness associated with it all. So instead you look at others who have been where you are now, you look at those who seem to face the most difficult days of their lives with such a grateful heart and positive attitude. I'm currently a witness to a family facing those difficult days ahead in their cancer journey, and I'm in awe of their strength and grace throughout it all. I pray that, if we are faced with a similar battle in our journey, I have that same strength and grace to make it through those difficult days. 

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is focused and centered around cancer. And I struggle to know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Is it good that my focus and perspective on life has changed, and that certain things just don't seem to matter as much as others? Or is it a bad thing that because of this focus, the fear of the unknown, the lack of control, seems to dictate the schedule in my life- trips, vacations, and every day plans? I struggle with this. I struggle with a central focus of my life being cancer, and I struggle to understand if this will ever not be the central focus.

I can't hide or deny Dad's diagnosis and fight we have ahead. There are times when denying the diagnosis would be easier than facing the battle ahead, but we've promised ourselves that we wouldn't deny the diagnosis, but fight to defy the verdict. And I hope, and pray, we can do just that. 

Life can change in an instant. And how very blessed that our life changing instant came 19 months ago to give us a central focus on family, friends and faith. We could have easily lost Dad 19 months ago, but instead we've been given a beautiful gift these last 19 months- quality time.

So maybe my life is focused on cancer right now, and maybe that's ok. I'm not sure if this focus will ever completely go away, and I'm not sure if I really want it to ever go away- it's provided so much to me in ways of growing in faith, growing in compassion, and growing as a person. I'm not sure if I will ever "thank" cancer for these last 19 months, but I do know that I'm thankful for the journey it's taken me on- learning more about myself, my family and my friends. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I ever imagined I would have to be. And for that, I am thankful.

I've come to grasp with the term used to describe Dad's cancer- 'terminal'. I came to grasp with that term within the first couple months of Dad's diagnosis, but that doesn't mean that any of the hard days are easier, any of the MRI result days are less stressful, or that any of the side effects of the cancer itself don't impact me tremendously. All of these things find a way to bring me stress, sadness and fear, all of these things I pray so often to go away- but God has a funny thing about timing, as it's always in his perfect timing.

I ask for continued prayers for those faced with difficult battles ahead. I ask for prayers of peace, comfort and guidance, as many of us are faced with making difficult decisions in our battles. 

Continue the prayers, as we continue fighting to BTHO Brain Cancer.